Pitaphilic

Wednesday, September 8, 1999
Cops Confiscate Potato Cannon
Whew! Aren't we glad we live in the US of A, where one can fire with glee one's repeater potato cannon? Eh, Cardhousees?

Note: this baby is propane powered, with an electric ignition!

Also Note: this story was dispatched from Kristiansands. You know, from the Tricky song.

Friday, August 27, 1999

This guy's little paen to Burning Man is one of my very favorites.

And that's the last you'll hear from me until 7 Sept 99. Everyone I talk to is in the midst of frenzied activity - new gigs, new projects, all kinds of synchronicity all over the place, and so much shopping to do before heading out to the desert! Aaaaagh!!! It's dawning on me now that for 7 days in the desert, the two of us are gonna need 42 gallons of H20. That's nuts! Glad our third is coming up Thursday. Anyway, I'm going to the desert. I'm not yet prepared. Yee haw! Enjoy the office air conditioning for me!

Wednesday, 25 August, 1999
He cut her in the face, then she was cut in the left hand
I adore APB Online. It never fails to provide baffling evidence of how wacky people can be. Mostly, tho, it provides a glimpse into that elusive pidgin, Cop-Speak. See, I'd say "She cut his face and then he slashed her left hand," but their version really tells it like it was.

Dressed in a cloak sewn of small pelts, probably of Arctic ground squirrels...
Cool! A cloak made of ground squirrels! That sounds really cute in a very morbid, paleogoth kinda way. Global warming is working for archaeo and paleontologists, heh? The mysteries of human migration to the Americas will surely be solved now that frozen guys are turning up in melting glaciers. Alas, pretty soon we'll be too preoccupied with fixing *our* culture (or at least moving cities to the high ground)to worry about *theirs*.

Tuesday, 24 August, 1999
Radioactive Man!
This reminds me of when (Name Withheld) found a random P32 container and plotted to use it as a bicycle theft deterrant. He was going to stick it in an alternate bike seat, kept in the lab at school, and put said seat on the bike when he parked it. Then, when one of the gazillion bike theives in Berkeley decided to take off with it, they would notice a considerable drop in sperm motility. We decided it wasn't a good idea, as the theif probably wouldn't keep the bike, and returned the disk (which was, at that time, a high security item; oooh we were bad). I wonder if that's in an FBI file on either of us. It sure is in this guys.

Monday, August 23, 1999
God Hates Figs
I think the known world knows the lovely story behind godhatesfags. This is a cute enough parody of the original site.

Monday, August 23, 1999
God Hates Humanists
Here's someone with just enough resources to be really assinine. A little knowledge (or at least a bible)+ an AOL account= well, not really dangerous, but fucking wacky. "A Brick Wall for (Humanists): On which they may bloody their heads: being an Insurmountable Obstacle constructed of facts against which their churches and ministers may weary themselves, but which they cannot surmount nor circumnavigate. 'God hates some people (not just their sins).'" is the nutshell version of this long and butt-ugly text.

Mmm, secretive obsessive Texan millionaires...
Some batrillionaire has built an exact replica of The Forbidden City in a Texas tract housing development. Wackier yet, he's got parking for 300, tourguides, and charges admission. But no one knows it's there. Neat!

Girl dies from Hairball
What exactly is the deal with hair eating? I know that it takes a lot to manage today's body aesthetic, which most teenage girls think they have to do, but for fuck's sake! That's just the grossest thing I can think of. I guess it makes sense, tho: control your primal lust for nutrition and pleasure by ingesting something utterly icky. Punish your cravings by making your stomach bleed! Excuse me, miss, there's hair caught between your teeth... I would soooo rather have a fat roll *on* my abdomen than a foot-long, 10" wide, 4" thick hair troll living *in* it.